At this point in time, there are many things going on in my mind. But all of it actually come down to one. The one that has been consuming much space in my mind, continuously running around into every thoughts that I have, whether it is day or night, whether I am awake or asleep, consciously or not.
I have plans dear Allah. I have dreams that I wished it'll come true, hopes that I'd like to build upon and promises that I would like to keep. I have made promises to You and my loved ones. I want to make them happy and feel proud of me. I want them to see that I can take care of myself.
I wish for a lot of things. I want to move on, to move forward. Hm I want to grow up and be an adult. I want to take on responsibilities and start building my life. I wish I can help my parents, whether in small or big ways. Sometimes, these thoughts scare me, not because they're scary, but because I'm afraid I won't be given a chance to make all of it come true. I also wish that I can be a better partner , even if Im afraid that people I love can leave me anytime anywhere.. but in the end, I dont have control in that I know. Right now.. my heart will always hope for better things.
I have the intentions but I am still waiting for the chance to take place. I am still hoping and praying that You would forgive me and give me another chance to redeem myself. Another opportunity to show You, my parents and those who have supported me, that I can be better. I want to be better, as a person and as a Muslim.
There's more in life awaiting me to discover it. I just hope that You would give a chance to be a better person. I hope that I will think more before I do something. I hope that I can care more before I let someone down. I hope that I can understand more before my 'thought' becomes wrong. I hope that I dont live in the thoughts of my problems even how hard I think it is right now, because the truth is, I should know that there are a lot of other people who suffers more than I do. Who has bigger problem, them.. who need to think if the bombs gonna kill in seconds ,if they will have enough money to feed their family, and so on.
This feeling, this helplessness in me, it could have eaten me up if I didn't have You. How weak I am, how small I am, it only hit me real hard when I realize that I am nobody, that I am nothing. Nothing at all in the name of Allah. How truly wrong of me to seek for Your help only at times when I am in distress or in need. How truly careless and ignorant of me. I wish I'd change and be a better servant to You. I pray that I will.
For now, I just hope that my faith to You will not waiver, that my heart would be stronger, and that I would continue to be patient. Patient for myself, patient for others. And I will continue to pray to You for another chance, for another beginning. I hope that You'll hear me, I hope You do.